IF I KNEW was sent to me by my sister and I cannot remember who the author was but it was so beautifully written that I wanted to share it with all of you. 2009 is coming to an end and I look back on in sometimes with pain and heartache and sometimes with joy as well. The year brought me both and that is how life is. We take the good and the bad and make the best with what we have. Its not our circumstances that matter, but what we do with it that counts. If we could see ahead there are so many things we could or would have done differently, but unfortunately we did not have that luxury. We went ahead and made our mistakes and choices that we thought were good. Some were and some were not. Life is always a learning process right to the time we draw our last breath. But life itself is a gift to us and when we see another new day that is god's gift to us. What we do with it is our gift to god. So I look forward to the new year no matter what it brings. When I walk into 2010 I do not walk alone. This great an awesome god I serve walks with me, never letting go of my hand. So my friends may god bless you this coming year with all his best for us. Know this, we are strong women of faith and we are not going to allow anything to defeat us because GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN US THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD. May all your dreams come through for 2010. I love you all

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more

If I knew it would be the last tim e
I'd hear y our voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say 'I love you,'
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will l always be another day
to say 'I love you,'
And certainly there's another chance
to say our 'Anything I can do?'

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you' ll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say 'I'm sorry,'
'Please forgive me,' 'Thank you,' or 'It's okay.'
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

I am knocked down sometimes, when I let go of my focus on the Lord and give in to my rage, but I AM NEVER KNOCKED OUT. I bounce right up again because he renews my strength. I am torn apart but not completely torn up. He stitches me up and makes me right. I am so deeply hurt but I am healing, because I serve a God that heals.I do not know where he is leading me, but he is making me let go of all the idols in my life. I may have to let go but he has new things in store for me. My future right now is so uncertain but I will not fear he has good plans for me, plans to prosper me. I will be the head and not the tail, no weapon formed against me will prosper. I envisioned growing old with you, going for dinner on saturday, or just sitting in starbucks chatting, watching the world go by. But you had other ideas.Well I hope you find what you are seaching for. Sometimes its there right under your nose but you were too blind to see.

Dear Lord,
I know my dad is up with you and he is so so happy. Today is his birthday. Can you wish him for me? Tell him I am doing alright but missing him still. Mum is there with him, but then you already know that. I can imagine him walking on streets of Gold, asking you all those questions he said he was going to ask you.He loved you so much and he was special to you too. He was a wonderful Dad, always had time for us. When we did something wrong, mum would get excited and scream and scold but Dad well he was more calm, but rest assured you would get the punishment you deserved.He was always quick to give a hug and kiss, no matter what age we were.When I think of him, I can almost smell the Fahrenheit he lavishly splashed on himself. Clothes ironed to perfection and shoes shinning(we were roped in sometimes to shine them). Today I know all the family are thinking of him and Lord I cannot thank you enough for such a wonderful dad. He had such a great capacity to love and give of himself. Tell Dad that his children are still close to each other and that bond he started cannot be broken. Tell him the grandchildren are doing great and he and mum would be so proud of them.
He was not only a great dad but also a wonderful husband and looked after mum right to the end.Two days before mum died she asked us to recite PSALM 23 and when Dad and I had finished, he looked at her and the love he had for her just poured right out and overwhelmed us. He told her you know I love you and she looked at him and said 'I know". It was like a secret message pass between them.
The most poignant moment I shared with dad before he died was the night we were driving him to hospital. He was in pain and making very heavy breathing noises and I was crying. Suddenly he shouted with a loud voice 'I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB TO COVER ME'
You, Lord immediately came to his rescue. You took away his fear in that instant and he knew he was going home. I have never until this day, ever felt that peace which invaded our car, that white light which flooded our car. It was the closes I have come to being in your presence.
So tell him we love him and mum and the memories they left us, we will always carry in our hearts. He ran and finished the race. I can imagine you, Lord, standing at the gates of heaven, your arms wide open "Welcome home son"

Human beings are such an ungrateful lot. We sit and moan about all the things that went wrong in our lives. We cry and rant and rave about how unfair life is. But we need to stop and think about the good that has happened. We need to thank god for what we do have. We need to appreciate how bl est we really are with the things we take for granted. When we wake up each morning, we stretch and yawn ourselves up, our thoughts already racing into the day. STOP! think what a blessing it is that when you open your eyes you can see,put your foot on the floor and you can feel,sit and eat your breakfast yourself. All these little things we do with our eyes closed.Think about the person who wakes up to yet another dark day ahead.All he can see is this dark black void.Or the person who lies in bed waiting for his caregiver or family to come and help me with his toilet. He lies there listening to the sounds around, wishing he could just jump out of this skin. Or the person who sits and waits for someone to feed him.He hates this and finds it so demeaning, but there is nothing he can do.
So this thanksgiving lets be thankful for what we have, the family we have, the love that surrounds us.Thank god for just being you, wonderfully made in God' image. Love yourself so you can love others. Find the good in every situation.Make the best of the life you have been given.

My young and pretty friend. You have such a sweet face, always smiling. You are quick to give a smile and there is a sweetness to your smile. I enjoy your company, you lift me up. Remember this my young friend, you are beautiful and smart and if he does not appreciate you he is the loser not you.There is that special kind of love out there, someone fitted specially for you. Love does not hurt. its kind and happy.So if he cheats on you now,know that perhaps he is not right for you. Better be now than way into the marriage where innocent lives will be hurt.If you give commitment, than expect that back too, you deserve it. Its not alright for a boyfriend to cheat on his girlfriend.Even friends have commitment too. You deserve to be happy so do not settle for anything less. I believe in pray and in the Lord who cares. He never cheats on me, is always faithful and never fails me. I have began praying for you and you will know what to do.I am always here for you. God peace rest upon you and help you to decide wisely.

Today the service was awesome! We sang TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS and it felt like I was standing alone in his presence looking at him. The atmosphere was electrifying and the Lord's anointing was all around us. His peace is with me and the joy of the Lord permeates my very being. I prayed for all of you and I felt a peace for you too. I know you will make it. Pastor talked about holy communion and I have been doing it most mornings. Its something so intimate between me and my Lord. It makes me look forward to the day and whatever it brings. I have mentioned often that each day is a gift and my gift is new every morning.Its not about our faith but his faith in us. I urge you to read his word and meditate on it.You need to get intimate with him. Then you move into the spiritual realm. Everything is different then, more and more awesome. No word can describe how much I love the Lord.He fills my mind each day and I cannot get enough of him. When I go into his presence in prayer I bring those I love before him too, and I know something is happening in the spirit realm for them too. Remember that not one word we utter, not one teardrop we shed, not one hurt we feel , he does not feel and hear and see.
HAVE AN AWESOME WEEK AHEAD AND KNOW HE WALKS INTO YOUR WEEK WITH YOU,HAND IN HAND WITH YOU. BE BLEST IN JESUS NAME

I feel the Lord calling me to a particular ministry-WOMEN. I seem to meet alot of women who are hurting.So let me tell you WOMEN out there that you are beautifully and wonderfully made in God image and do not allow anyone to tell you different. You. as a woman, deserve RESPECT, LOVE. KINDNESS and CARING from those you love. Do not settle for anything less.Love yourself first and know that Jesus loves you so much. When you are down, close your eyes and let his love flow over you. His peace will just engulf you and keep you warm.Women, we are strong, we get knocked down but we get right up there, ready to face our next challenge.We are fiercely protective of those we love and our job as mothers, wives,daughters, sisters and friends is never done. We give so much of ourselves and ask little in return. Our reward is to see those we love happy. So if there is anyone out there who feels alone and unloved; if you feel hopeless and despair and hurt, know that someone cares, I CARE AND GOD CARES. I pray for you even though I do not know you.My spirit goes out to you to find you. JESUS IS THERE FOR YOU. He asks nothing from you and he is so easy to love. Right now call his name and he will be there with you. He is just waiting for you to let him into your life.
My friend this is for you.
I know you are hurting so much and you seem to be losing it. You still have so much love with you. Just look and those three faces that lie next to you.They are afraid too because somehow they think they are to blame. Change all that anger you feel towards him into love for those 3 treasures you have.I have told you often that you are beautiful, successful and smart. So do not be stripped of that.You draw from your inner strength now and God is with you.Know that. Cry out to him. Pour out your heart to him.Believe that in spite of everything he has good plans for you

Something good comes out of everything! That is what I always believe and how true it has become. I was so broken and thought I would never heal, so lost and did not know what to do or who to turn too. It seems this battle was mine alone. I was all broken up inside but then he came to me.He told me to go to Grow church and I did.When the worship began I felt myself being uplifted and surrounded by this warm soft feeling. I knew you were there with me Lord. You saw my tears and held me when I cried. You gave me hope and told me you cared. I was not alone, you were right there, carrying me. I have never looked back since. Day by day you strengthened me and encouraged me with your word. You lift me up everyday, and when I look for you, you are always there. Your joy is my strength. I appreciate each day and each day is always special to me. You teach me and correct me and let me see how blest I really am. You thought me to surrender but not to give up. Just let you have your way not mine.I love you Lord so much and I know you will never leave me or forsake me. What an awesome GOD you are

Right now I wish I was alone on a beautiful Island, a cool breeze fanning my face,the waves like playful children racing each other and the quietness all around. This is a secret place I go to when nothing in my life makes sense anymore. I escape to my Island where nothing bothers me anymore and no one can get to me. The quietness drains me of my sadness, taking away the pain too. There I look up and see my Lord come to me. He quietly sits beside me and gently, I lay my head on his shoulder. His arm comes around me and the peace that no man can give, he gives, and it floods my soul. I feel the love all around me, and I am uplifted. He whispers softly" just close your eyes and rest, I am here. I will carry those heavy burdens for you, why I will even carry you"
So I continue to lean on him and his love envelopes me.
"COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO LABOR AND ARE HEAVY-LADEN
AND I WILL CAUSE YOU TO REST"
matthew 11:28.

LIVE A LIFE OF PERMANENT PURPOSE

Its so difficult to do, but when you can ,you are a winner. Life is full of obstacles and you never know whats around the bend, but do not give up. I have a God that will not let me give up.We have such an awesome god who gives us a permanent purpose. I have been betrayed in the worst possible way. Had a knife trust through my heart from someone I loved, but then the Lord was there to heal me. He wraps his arms around me and tells me everyday how much he loves me and I do have a purpose for my life. My hurt is healing and my hate is gone. I am filled with forgiveness, because God made that possible for me.Now I am filled with his love and the love of those around me. His peace is upon me and I am so blessed. He has a plan and purpose for my life. When I think of my pain, I think of his, dying on the cross for me, when I think I am worthless and not much good, he tells me I am wonderfully made in his image. When I feel I cannot take anymore, he carries me and gives me rest. And when I am ill, he touches me and heals me. MY GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!

Nothing is forever, only the Lord and his love for us. I must make this decision to start my life anew. This is hard because it means letting go of so many things that I hold dear. The pain and hurt is more than I can handle and I need to get out of this for good. What shall I do Lord? We never know whats ahead and the fear of the unknown is great before me. But I know I do not walk alone.I am blessed with a great family who rally around me, and their love and prayers carry me through this. I still worry for you and wonder what will become of your life. Do you not see this? Do you not understand what you are about to loose? But I must detach myself from you, only than can I live and grow.

Every morning is a gift; the gift of a new day. Appreciate and be grateful for each new day and make the best of each day. You never know, it may be your last. Life can change in an instant, and nothing is a sure thing. Everything you have can be taken away in an instant. So start your day right. Bring the Lord into your day, release this day to him and ask him what you can do for someone else to day. When you stop thinking that life is all both you, you will start living.
There are times when I wish I could just stay in bed all day and maybe never ever wake up again but than I realise how bl est I am to be able to wake to new day. No matter what I may be challenged with that day, I know the Lord's strength is my strength. I am so loved, I am so protected and I am so blest.

A storm has broken and its harsh and strong. Winds scream all around me, shaking me to its very core. Its relentless, its harsh and I wonder, will I weather this storm? The storms of life come when we least expect it, unfurling its full anger and destructiveness at us. This can a harsh cruel world. Things you thought were good and true, turn out to be evil and cruel. You think you know someone well, you've spent so many years together and there is a darkside that you never knew at all. But no matter what storms ride,we know that we are not alone. My Heavenly Father is there with me,and I am hiding under the shadow of his wings until this storm has passed. I am strong, for his strength is my strength and when it gets to hard for me to walk and Istumble, He will carry me. He is the one person I can trust.

I just read a beautiful sharing by my brother. Tomorrow is promised to no one and we really do not have a control over Life. Something can happen , and in an instant our lives can change forever. That is so true and I think even frightening at times. But if you have faith in the Lord, you know that whatever life brings, he will equip you to handle it. This is why we do not fear, because we trust him with our lives. This is the big difference.
I have started working now and to be honest, I don't know if I love it or hate it. Its just something I need to do. I have to keep busy or I know what will take over. Wish I had someone to just hold me and tell me it will all be alright. But then again I am not alone. I do have someone who listens and hears every word I say. He loves me unconditionally and even when I don't tell him I need him, he knows and I feel his comfort and peace around me. There is always a new day tomorrow, a new beginning and we must embrace it as such, or else we would not be able to go on. Let the joy of the Lord fill our hearts with his love and peace.

WE ARE SO BLESSED

We grumble about so many things in our life. We are dissatisfied, feel we should have been dealt better in life and the list just goes on and on.This morning as I sit at my window, I see the beauty of the morning rising up to meet my day. The sun is up already shinning through the big Christmas tree out front. I hear this little bird chirping away. My little Japanese roses are beginning to open up to the sunlight that bathes my whole balcony. You know I have never bothered to stop to really see this and now I sit back and drink this beauty in. It is a quiet peaceful moment, just me and the day ahead. I don't know what today will bring, but I am ready to face this day with joy in my heart. I feel so grateful I can see and hear and feel this morning. I stick my hand out through the window and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and I feel so so good today. I am so blessed, so richly blessed. So what if my back hurts and my knees are stiff and if I have to use my glasses to see: I am still so richly blessed. I think of those in war torn countries, those who are too sick to get up from their beds, who just want to close their eyes and die because the pain is too much. The little children who are so hungry,who are alone and lost. What have I to grumble about then? We need to rise up above yourselves and give back what the Lord has given us. Share our joy and love and give more of yourselves. Only then can we be truly blessed.

For the past few weeks I have watched my friend, sink into despair and suffering. She is constantly in pain, being sick, and worse of all being treated badly by a man who promised to love and care for her. She has suffered abuse, both verbal and physical, humiliation, depression and the list just goes on and on. Friends say to me why does she not leave him? I was amazed that she still loved him. He has no respect for her at all. Everyday in her household its a day of uncertainty and worry. What will he do tonight when he comes back drunk?No human being should b treated in that way.So why does she continue to live with him? Is it fear, a feeling that we cannot survive without him. Is that what she thinks life is all about and cannot expect anything else?She is a beautiful person who deserves so much more.She was strong but her illness has got her down. Why cant this useless man see the goodness in her. For that matter other men too, who do this to their wives?

So my dear dear friend,
Be strong, you have a deep inner strength that you know exist deep within you,
draw on this strength now,
Never give another human being the right to take away your self worth.
Love yourself and know that you are worth fighting for.
God loves you so much and even though you do not know him, he knows you.
You have a right to be happy. Look for happiness elsewhere.
Believe in yourself and know I believe in you.
I know you will rise out of this a stronger women, undefeated.
As you lie in that hospital bed, let the peace of god come upon you and give you rest, so your healing will begin right now. Rest in God's bosom and let him hold you close to his heart.
I am always here for you and I love you.

MOTHER'S DAY

You have to be a mother to know what it feels like and sure its not a bed of roses all the time, and yea sure you'd feeling like killing them sometimes but there is no other job, no other role in this life than being a MOTHER.
I remember when I heard I was pregnant for the first time. I immediately felt different. I felt as if I was the only person in the world to get pregnant. I felt so elated and at times so worried. Would I be a good mum? Would I know how to teach them the way of life.I had so many dreams for this baby, what I wanted him to be; what kind of mother I would be. Then on the 04July 1980, I held my son for the first time in my arms and wow!nothing prepared me for what I felt. This little life came from me, I had to protect him and love him at all cost. He curled his little fingers around my thumb and in that instant we bonded. He knew I was his mum.
He was a whole learning experience for me, but I lived with my parents then and they were such a big help. Being in my family home with my brothers and their wives all under one roof, my son became their son too. Eager hands were always around to carry him and comfort him when I was not around.
Then in 1983, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I looked at her and could not believe she was mine. When I first held her, I felt so awed that this little bit of a thing was mine. She looked up at me with her grey eyes and in that instant I knew I could never stop loving her and would give my life for her anytime. I dreamed of all the cute dresses she would wear and how I do her hair.But she had a head full of curls that had a will of their own. There was no taming them into a pony tail with little clips.I used to love to watch my two children sleep. That was the best time for me. I would go lie down with them before they slept and pray with them and those were special bonding times for me.
Seven years later, god decided to bless me again with a beautiful baby girl. She was my Christmas baby and my miracle baby. She had some complications, but god had other plans for her. When I got pregnant with her I was 38 and I felt too old. But when she came out kicking and screaming, I knew this one was impatient to begin her life. She was a beautiful,chubby baby, so full of life.If she was hungry or wanted something, she'd let you know in no uncertain terms. I loved to watch her run around, her curls would literally bounce on her head. Oh! she was beautiful and so full of life.Th only time you would find her quiet was when she slept. Such an angel she looked then.She was special because even at such a young age, there was this closeness with Jesus. I was amazed sometimes at the things she said and the dreams she had even at such a young age.
All my kids are different in so many ways, but I could not have hoped for better children. I wished I could have kept them with me all the time and it was the hardest thing to let them go. But I have handed them over to their heavenly father as its his turn now to have his way with them. I have not been a perfect mom and I know there were times I would have let them down and even hurt them. But they know I am sorry and that I love them so much. They are my joy and there is never a day when I do not pray for them. I pray they make the right choices in the lives, trust God for he knows the plans he has for them.
TO MY CHILDREN.
May the Lord bless you always
May god give you the desires of your heart
May he make all your plans succeed.

You have grown up to be good and kind caring people.You are responsible adults and have never given me reason to worry and doubt you. You have brought me nothing but happiness and have made my life on earth a good one. It has been my honour to be your mother. I have brought you up the best I knew how and sometimes I would have failed you, so please forgive me for that. Remember we had this thing where I would ask you what you did not like about me and you kids would open your hearts out. You taught me so much too. Now you all have your own lives and I am happy hat you have chosen well,who you want to spend the rest of your lives with.I want you to be happy. I am so proud of you three. I love you.

My wise daughter commented that we have to look beyond the imperfections and not that when we are happy, everything is perfect. She is right. We are all imperfect creatures struggling in this imperfect world of ours. But the secret is to never give up trying and except that we will never be perfect, but we make the best of what we have and what we are. I wake up in the morning and I make a choice to get up and get going and sometimes I struggle but I have a strong willpower. Every morning, I feel I have turned a new page in my diary and its a blank page. So its up to me how my day goes. Yea sure unexpected things and circumstances come up but its how we handle it that counts. We can either give in, feel sorry for ourselves or do something to change those circumstances. ITS WHAT YOU THINK THAT REALLY MATTERS. WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF THAT REALLY MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

When we wake in the morning we have two simple choices:

Go back to sleep and dream
or
wake up and chase your those dreams
the choice is yours!

So wake up this morning with a song in your heart. Make the choice to be happy and glad to be a live. Spend every waking moment today wisely and appreciate each moment as a golden opportunity. Appreciate the love you have in your lives. Treasure them because that love can be taken from you at any moment. In an instant our lives can change forever, so seize the day and live it as best as you can. When you give in to someone you love, it does not mean you are weak.But that you just think that what you are fighting about is not worth being angry or making someone you love hurt.Love today as you have never loved before. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? When its gone tomorrow do not let it get you down but remember all the good memories you have saved over the years. Draw on them and use them to make you smile and your heart light. Remember that nothing last, so treasure each moment of what you have and do not waste your time fighting and being angry with each other. If you have lost love already, do not be sad and think its the end. There is always tomorrow to find a new kind of love. Learn to love yourself first. You are wonderfully made in your master's image. You are a new creation today, you are born again every morning.The Lord only has good plans for you, so believe in yourself first. Walk into this day with joy in your hearts,expecting God's best for you.

Recently I have began to feel down or rather let myself feel down and sorry for myself. Today I saw on Oprah a whole family addicted to Heroin. The Parents, and their two sons.They have lost everything, have no hope but desperately long to get out of this. Hopefully Oprah was able to help them. When we think we have so much of shit to handle, all you need to do is just think of the other person whose situation is so much worse than yours.I am so thankful to the Lord because he has blessed me so much. I have three beautiful children, who thrive to do their best and yet hold on to their values and principles. I have a beautiful home and so much people who love and care for me. Everyday when I can walk and see and hear and do things for myself, I am so blessed. So I am going to be thankful and give back the blessing I have received. I want to make a difference in peoples life today. Jesus is my answer, Jesus is my all. What would I do without you Lord? My strength has been renewed today.

Yesterday I took a friend to see her son in prison. He is being charged with kidnapping. Her older son is in another prison being charged with possession of a dangerous drug. As I went into the prison, I saw many young man there, some barely in their teens. They looked lost and frightened and my heart just went out to them. Somewhere out there a mother worries and cries silent tears for her son,locked up somewhere. My friend's son is just 19 years old, I have known him since he was five or six. His mother looked so broken and so fragile after her visit. She was with me but yet her heart and spirit was with her son, in that cell which he had to share with ten other people. I have a son and I don't know how I would be if this had happened to him. No matter if our sons become rapist or terrorist or murderers, they are still out sons, and we cannot help but still love them. The bond between a mother and her kids are so strong, its one of the toughest strings to break.
When I went home, I called my own children, just to hear their voice, assuring me that they were OK. I felt like telling them please come home and stay with me, I really do not want to let you go. That is a big horrible world out there and I need to protect you. I felt like taking a bus to K.L. just to see them, hear them call me mum.
But I can only pray for them, and I know the Lord watches over them.
To my children, I love you so much and my desire is for you to be happy. I may have failed you sometimes and I am so sorry. Be blessed my darlings

Sometimes there is a quickening in my soul and fear grips my heart. Fear for the unknown? fear of the future? fear for my children?Its only a moment, a fleeting moment and then I rise up and remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in my Lord's image. He did not give me a spirit of fear, but power and love and a sound mind. Then I am fearless, nothing that I cannot handle because he is with me. This morning as I prayed, I felt his presence around me and I felt safe and so loved. With Jesus its all about being in a relationship with him. I am in a relationship with my Lord. Sometimes I have felt so alone and then he quietly comes next to me and I know I am not alone. After 55 I have began to experience so many new emotions, new ideas,new strengths and even new weaknesses. Life everyday is a challenge and I have never felt so challenged before. Its the beginning of growing old and its all about being postive and trusting my lord for whats ahead. I know that there will be storms and peaceful days but I know I will not be alone, his strength will be my strength, his joy my joy and my fears and sadness his fears and sadness.What an awesome god we have.

I READ THIS SOMEWHERE AND ITS SO PROFOUNDLY TRUE:

I AM YOUR CONSTANT COMPANION
I AM YOUR GREATEST ASSETS OR HEAVIEST BURDEN
I WILL PUSH YOU UP TO SUCCESS
OR DOWN TO DISAPPOINTMENT
I AM AT YOUR COMMAND
HALF THE THINGS YOU DO MIGHT JUST
AS WELL BE TURNED OVER TO ME
FOR I CAN DO THEM QUICKLY
CORRECTLY AND PROFITABLY
I AM EASILY MANAGED, JUST BE FIRM WITH ME
THOSE YOU ARE GREAT, I HAVE MADE GREAT
THOSE YOU ARE FAILURES, I HAVE MADE FAILURES
I AM NOT A MACHINE, THOUGH
I WORK WITH THE PRECISION
OF A MACHINE AND
THE INTELLIGENCE OF A PERSON
YOU CAN RUN ME FOR PROFIT
OR YOU CAN RUN ME FOR RUIN
SHOW ME HOW YOU WANT IT DONE
EDUCATE ME, TRAIN ME, LEAD ME, REWARD ME
AND I WILL THEN DO IT AUTOMATICALLY
I AM YOUR SERVANT
WHO AM I?
I AM HABIT

My day are eerie calm. On the surface things seem ok but there is that underlying feeling of fear and dreaded anticipation. I feel I must prepare, get strength and get ready. For what? I really do not know. I fear for you. You must want to die so badly. You chase after death. You do everything you can to make it happen. Sometimes I am helpless and do not know what I can do for you. I hope I will be strong enough. You have a darkness deep deep inside your soul. Its beginning to show now.

Its fourteen days into the new year. I feel a sense of peace all around me. Even when I am feeling sad that peace just takes over. I am as happy as I want to be. Like everything else in our lives happiness is a choice. I have learned never to expect too much from anyone. Take only what they want to give. When you do not put expectations on someone than they cannot disappoint you. I have learn to give without expecting anything in return. There is so much to learn about ourselves and everyday I find something in me that I never knew I had. An inner strength, an emotion I thought I was not capable of feeling, a hidden depth that I had buried so deep inside. I find life now is a journey for me, a road to discovery. Its like there is a whole new me that I did not know. As I go on this journey, I know he walks with me. I have heard him speak to me quietly when I came to the crossroads and did not know which road to take. I went to visit a sick relative recently who was in a coma, and when I saw her lying there, I said to him "please do not ever let this happen to me. But he said to me "why not you" Can it happen to someone else as long as its not me? Well whichever way I trust you Lord and let your will be done not mine. He will love me and take care of me the way he sees best for me and I TRUST HIM.

The dawn of a new year! a new beginning. This year I made no resolutions. I never kept any I made the previous year anyway . This year I asked the Lord to take me to the next level of intimacy with him. I really want to know this GOD I love and serve. I want to hear him as he walks by me, feeling the swishing of his robes as he passes. Feel his awesome presence when I come into his throne room to spend time with him. I also want to know the Holy Spirit more intimately. Hear him whisper to me when I am struggling to make choices. Prompting me when I am unsure and comforting me when I have made the wrong choice as I will do invariably.
I went to GROW service on 31st and it was awesome. Pastor anointed us and prayed for each individually. I felt so at peace. Before this I was worried about so many things but during the service, I felt all my burdens just lifted up. My sadness just fell away. I have so much to be thankful for. Had a great family Christmas with the kids and I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I was struggling with certain issues but you know just being with them made all things hopeful and good. Made me want to go on enjoying my life, living my life each day to the best of my ability.
You hurt me more than you will ever know. You stamped all over my heart and that was not enough, in the end you ripped it out. 30 years of what? 30 years too late. Well I kept every promise I made and I will always be there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but don't ask more than that. I have nothing else to give you. I am at peace. You did not give me that peace, but my father saw my heartaches and tears and he showed me his love, and that brought peace.
He is an awesome GOD