Have you ever found yourself in a crowded room and yet felt all alone?You are so far removed from your surroundings and then you go to that deep deep place in your heart where only you can go. You feel safe here cause no one else can come. Its quiet around you, in that secret place, and there you think of why you had to come here. A promise of love gone, an intimacy broken, shattered dreams and you try to make sense of it all. You want to give up and never leave this place, but you know you cannot give in. You must go back for there is still unfinished business you have to take care of: three important reasons why you must move on and live. So live while you can and love while you can. One love is gone but three more await you, needing all the love you can give. They are your reason to live and love now. Don't let that go.

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances.The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, they make them.
Conversely, the person who has no goals, who does not know where he is going and whose thoughts must therefore be thoughts of confusion, anxiety and worry, his life become frustrated. If he thinks he is nothing-he becomes nothing.
THE HUMAN MIND DOES NOT CARE WHAT WE PLANT.....SUCCESS OR FAILURE.....A CONCRETE WORTHWHILE GOAL...OR CONFUSION, MISUNDERSTANDING OR FEAR,ANXIETY AND SO ON. BUT WHAT WE PLANT, IT MUST RETURN TO US. WHAT YOU SOW IS WHAT YOU REAP.
I read this in a website called SIMPLE TRUTHS. How very true and profound this words are. Even in times like this, when so much suffering , pain and terror is going on, when the whole world seems like its falling apart, when nothing seems to make sense anymore, we never give up believing in ourselves and our ability to survive and strive to do so much more. We never give in to hate and worry but we turn to LOVE instead. Love sees us through all our pain, our fears.
It was so sad what happened in Mumbai. Where young men with so much to live for, could coldheartedly murder innocent people who never did anything to them. But as the Jewish Rabbi said on CNN, we fight this with love not hate.

THANKSGIVING

Give thanks for family and friends. For life's gifts and simple pleasures. Give thanks for this years' challengers and opportunities. Give thanks for all the stuff relationships are made of.
For this years' harvest and bounty. We give thanks for the love we've shared, the love that we hope to share.Be steadfast in love and acceptance.Only the low emotions you hold on to, keep you from reaping your harvest of success, happiness, abundance and joy.
Praise and thanksgiving opens the gates for bounty. As you manage fear and choose love, the shelter of the spirit sweet, sweet embrace will enfold your love ones, providing protection and provisions on life's journey. See only that good manifest for those you love.
GIVING THANKS RESTORES,
REBUILDS,
RENEWS,
So that we may go forward to do even greater things still. Move mountains, make peace.
May there be peace within your families and the whole world. We pray from PSLAM122 that there maybe peace within our walls and prosperity within our palaces.

I read this on a website called MAKEA DIFFERENCE. Do check this website out.

In the race to be better and best,
we sometimes loose sight of just being;
The best portion of a good man's life,
his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
May it be said
when the sun sets on my life,
many of my dreams came true
and I made a difference in the lives of others.

These words stuck in my mind. Even at this time of my life I am learning. I have started over again and have tried to put the past behind me. Don't want to look back anymore but ahead. Ahead may not be all I want it to be but you have to settle for what you can get. No one can make you happy but you yourself. Don't give some else the power to make you sad or happy, that power belongs to you and you alone. When you come to my age, just waking up to a new day, opening your eyes to all that is dear and familiar and able to take that first step out of bed makes the day ahead full of promise. Things can change during the day but we gain strength in the morning when we seek the Lord and we then know whatever the day brings he walks with us throughout the day.

I sit here silently crying, my tears just flowing.After I confronted you and saw the guilt on your face, my heart just shattered. Why? I knew it already but yet it still hurt. Did you know how much I loved you? I feel defiled and dirty. But I cannot hate you. You gave me three precious gifts and I have treasured them, and nurtured them and now am learning to let them grow on their own. I will always love you for that. You know when I was young, someone once told me that I would be unlucky in love. But that's not true and I have love all around me, just not your love. Did you ever love me? or was it what I represented? Guess I will never know. It happened so many times, and I began to accept that every man has his weakness. But that not right. I have that right to expect full and unconditional love from my you. I want you to care for me, to worry about me and look after me. To look at me, just me with love in your eyes.
Thoughts race through my mind, and I feel Like its all so overwhelming. Can I survive this? Inside I feel weak and sick. But I know I am made of stronger stuff than this and I will survive. I survived terrible things in the past and grew stronger because of it so I know I WILL SURVIVE.
I forgive you, but I just dont know if I can live with you anymore. I honestly dont know.

Marriage is something pure and beautiful.It makes two as one and its such a deep intimate thing.How can some people take it so lightly and defile it. Its two heart coming together, joining two bodies as one. We let you into our bodies, our minds our thoughts and dreams.We let you into the deep recesses of our life where sometimes we fear to go alone. Now a fragile string holds our hearts together. It can break anytime and when it does our hearts go crashing down, broken into a million pieces. Well god is there to pick up those pieces and he painstakingly joins them together. Lovingly he holds the pieces in his hand and pieces our hearts back. Sometimes he will join that broken string that binds two hearts but then again, he sees so far ahead and knows that cannot be. We trust in him because he knows our hearts. He see our pain and catches every tear that falls. He makes you want to go on because only his love is unselfish and only he can bring that peace and happiness you crave for.

FOR THE SOUL

Lord when my soul is weary
And my heart is tired and sore
And I have that failing feeling
That I cannot take anymore
Then let me know the refreshing
found in simple childlike prayer
When the kneeling soul knows surely
That a listening Lord is there.



The lonely ours have become for me
Very precious hours indeed
Because in reality
I found I was not alone
Jesus gently reminded me
That I was his own

CHILDREN

Read this somewhere and its so true.May it have some meaning for you too.

Your children are not your children
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they do not belong to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you can not visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backwards, nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends
you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness,
for even as he loves the arrows which flies,
So he loves also the bow which is stable.

I sit here feeling this pain in my heart. How many more times will this happen.? You think its all over but it is not. You swore you would not allow him to hurt you again but you did. You are such a fool! will you never learn! Why are ask myself? Every time it happens I feel like its my fault. The guilt is so heavy on me. But then he is an expert in making me feel this way.Stupid stupid me to allow it to get to me. I said I would not care. I have my life and he has his. My defence is always up but then he knows he is about to do something wrong and he is all sweet and sugary and bang! you let your defences down. When will you learn?

When you fill your heart with bitterness and hate it just eats you up.How did he get so eaten up with bitterness?
. Is he bitter at himself and his own mistakes? The darkness gnaws at him slowly eating him up on the inside. Then on the outside he looks terrible. They did nothing to him but were always there to love and support him.He took their love and support when he needed it, then shut them out again.He hates himself. All those missed opportunities, all the chances he had to be somebody. He could have made it yet but he let his bitterness overcome him until it took over completely. There is deep heaviness inside me when I think of him for I love him. He is part of me and I lift him up daily to be set free. Another one hides behind his drink. What goes on in his mind? He is smart and knows what he is doing but he is weak. Disappointed in himself? The failure he has become. I see her pain sometimes but is she to blame? Could she have dome something? Sometimes I think he would welcome death because he knows he can't stop himself. The vast opportunities he had but screwed it up. What when wrong? What is buried so deep inside that has this hold on them? They were part of this family of love. Sure there were hard times and sad times, but there was so much love too. Lord you know and only you can help them

To the loves of my life

Today 56 years ago the doctor told my distraught dad that he might lose his wife and the baby she was carrying was definitely going to die. You see I was a placenta previa baby and in 1952 that was a major problem. But you know god had his own plans and what man cannot do god sure can. So I was born on Aug03 1952.It has been a long journey from 1952 to 2008. Alot of mistakes along the way, blessed with family and really good family times. The road was sometimes easy and straight but often it would meander and get really rough. Sometimes it was lonely on that road but I only felt like that but I was not alone. I could not see him but I knew he was there, encouraging me never to give up, to just walk one more mile.Sometimes it was dark and I could not see where I was going. He held my hand and gently encouraged me again. Through all my difficult times, when I just wanted to give up, give in to the madness that was coming for me; I saw three faces looking at me, calling me, reaching out for me. They kept me sane, they made me strong, made me never give up but press on. So I was knocked down but not defeated and I got up time and again, stronger than before.
So my darlings this is for you. Dont limit yourself, because there are none; only what you put on yourself. Never limit your view of life by any past experience. Far away up there are your aspirations. You may not reach them but you can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and follow where they may lead.Remember only as high as you reach can you grow. Only as far as you seek can you go.Only as deep as you look can you see and only as much as you dream can you be. There are many things in life that will catch your eye but very few that capture your heart. PURSE THOSE. In dreams and love there are no impossibilities. They future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of your dreams.Don't let fear stop you.
So dream and throw your heart over the fence, the rest will follow.
You are everything to me, when I thought there was no love, you showed me love. You made me believe and press on. I will always be here for you and love you. If I should go back home to the Lord, carry this legacy of love and pass it down to your children. If you think you have a bad deal in life, just look around you and see how blessed you really are. Put god first in your life and he will honour you and make all your plans succeed.
Be Blessed

Its hard to grow old. You can see the signs of aging setting in and you cant stop it.No amount of creams and face lifts can slow it. Its not so bad getting old in the face and even the wrinkles I can accept but it the bad health that gets to me. My bones feel OLD. Every morning I wake up to pain in my joints, throughout the day I am in some kind of pain,sitting too long my back aches, doing housework my elbow and wrist hurt, cant bend my knees without some kind of pain and can't sleep at night because my back and neck hurts(too long in one position). But I am not giving in without a fight. I walk twice a day and I just love that. Still do all my own housework(ache or not) and in spite of this I am happy to be alive. Its the Lord who sees me through each day.His grace that gets me through the day.I AM THE RIGHTEOUS OF THE LORD THROUGH CHRIST JESUS . I claim that I am healed and made whole in Jesus Mighty Name. You have to have faith otherwise you have nothing.Life is full of ups and downs, but its Jesus who helps us through all that.I turn to him for everything.
Shannon has to make some big decisions, and I pray god give him the wisdom to make the right choices for the right reasons. Lizze seems preocupied and distant sometimes. I pray god bring her peace in her work and also help her to find a really nice place for her to stay. Jess, I know is very homesick and missing me as much as I am missing her.May the Lord bless her with good friends and let her be happy with what she is doing. Let her excel and do well.

Midlife crisis

I feel restless and not in control of my life. I want, no I need to do something productive, exciting and challenging in my life. Otherwise I will feel old. I feel so alone, like I am not needed anymore. The kids have their own lives and rightly so, but even they don't need me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Well maybe. No more of this nonsense. I still have alot of fight left in me yet and I don't give up easily. I know god has a plan and a purpose for my life. I believe that I can do anything I want to do because the Lord is with me. Right now I want to focus on praying for my children. They are the world to me and I know I need to pray for them. If I did not, I would worry about them all the time.

I am almost back to my old self. Can move around and even drive. I do feel a little dizzy sometimes but I know I am getting better everyday. I really miss the three kids and wish I could move to K.L. to live with them,all under one roof. Just like old times but sigh........ it wont happen. Its for the best too as I will try to interfere and tell them what to do and what not to do. Yeah I always think I know whats best for them. I like my life in BM too. My friends are there and I love being at home doing my own thing. Looking forward to visiting the kids soon. I want to do something but don't know what. Want to write a book, to draw a picture to be a missionary, to start a business of my own. Am praying for direction now.

My world came crashing down on the 6th May at 0530 in the morning. I had a Vertigo Attack, so bad I thought I was going to die. Ambulance rushed me to the hospital and my god I never felt so sick. Now I am suppose to take it easy, no rushing around, no travelling and no flying. Can you imagine that! Might as well cut off my legs Lord. No sorry I take that back. I have always been a doer, always feeling the need to control and run everything, including everybodys' life as well. Its a wake up call for me.Yea you are no spring chicken. So now I am slowing down and I MEAN it. I felt sad to give the family such a scare. Its made me look at life differently, and to value each moment with my loved ones.
Today Jess left home. My last baby gone to start a new life as a uni student. I could see she was excited and afraid of the unknown. I wanted to hold her and not let her go and yea of course I cried and cried(still crying........) Its hard to let go. You watch them from the time the came from your womb. Hovering over them, watching them, loving them with each day. Jess has surprised us all. I know she had a tough time in school and her early years were tough. But she survived and pushed through, refusing to give in. She is such a beautiful person both inside and out. She dared to dream and still has big dreams. We must have dreams and I told her not to allow anyone to take them away from her. I miss her already so much but I am happy for her. She need that Independence from me. She needs to have more choices and make her own decisions, right or wrong.
Thank god for Shan and Mel there and I know the bond between them is strong and they will look out for each other. I don't know what I did to deserve these 3 beautiful kids, and I thank god for them everyday.
Now its time for me and the "old Man" to spend time together. We have done our best for the kids and now its our time.
Quiet rooms and empty hallways and I will miss the "ma Ma where are you....................