I sit here silently crying, my tears just flowing.After I confronted you and saw the guilt on your face, my heart just shattered. Why? I knew it already but yet it still hurt. Did you know how much I loved you? I feel defiled and dirty. But I cannot hate you. You gave me three precious gifts and I have treasured them, and nurtured them and now am learning to let them grow on their own. I will always love you for that. You know when I was young, someone once told me that I would be unlucky in love. But that's not true and I have love all around me, just not your love. Did you ever love me? or was it what I represented? Guess I will never know. It happened so many times, and I began to accept that every man has his weakness. But that not right. I have that right to expect full and unconditional love from my you. I want you to care for me, to worry about me and look after me. To look at me, just me with love in your eyes.
Thoughts race through my mind, and I feel Like its all so overwhelming. Can I survive this? Inside I feel weak and sick. But I know I am made of stronger stuff than this and I will survive. I survived terrible things in the past and grew stronger because of it so I know I WILL SURVIVE.
I forgive you, but I just dont know if I can live with you anymore. I honestly dont know.

Marriage is something pure and beautiful.It makes two as one and its such a deep intimate thing.How can some people take it so lightly and defile it. Its two heart coming together, joining two bodies as one. We let you into our bodies, our minds our thoughts and dreams.We let you into the deep recesses of our life where sometimes we fear to go alone. Now a fragile string holds our hearts together. It can break anytime and when it does our hearts go crashing down, broken into a million pieces. Well god is there to pick up those pieces and he painstakingly joins them together. Lovingly he holds the pieces in his hand and pieces our hearts back. Sometimes he will join that broken string that binds two hearts but then again, he sees so far ahead and knows that cannot be. We trust in him because he knows our hearts. He see our pain and catches every tear that falls. He makes you want to go on because only his love is unselfish and only he can bring that peace and happiness you crave for.

FOR THE SOUL

Lord when my soul is weary
And my heart is tired and sore
And I have that failing feeling
That I cannot take anymore
Then let me know the refreshing
found in simple childlike prayer
When the kneeling soul knows surely
That a listening Lord is there.



The lonely ours have become for me
Very precious hours indeed
Because in reality
I found I was not alone
Jesus gently reminded me
That I was his own

CHILDREN

Read this somewhere and its so true.May it have some meaning for you too.

Your children are not your children
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they do not belong to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you can not visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backwards, nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends
you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness,
for even as he loves the arrows which flies,
So he loves also the bow which is stable.

I sit here feeling this pain in my heart. How many more times will this happen.? You think its all over but it is not. You swore you would not allow him to hurt you again but you did. You are such a fool! will you never learn! Why are ask myself? Every time it happens I feel like its my fault. The guilt is so heavy on me. But then he is an expert in making me feel this way.Stupid stupid me to allow it to get to me. I said I would not care. I have my life and he has his. My defence is always up but then he knows he is about to do something wrong and he is all sweet and sugary and bang! you let your defences down. When will you learn?

When you fill your heart with bitterness and hate it just eats you up.How did he get so eaten up with bitterness?
. Is he bitter at himself and his own mistakes? The darkness gnaws at him slowly eating him up on the inside. Then on the outside he looks terrible. They did nothing to him but were always there to love and support him.He took their love and support when he needed it, then shut them out again.He hates himself. All those missed opportunities, all the chances he had to be somebody. He could have made it yet but he let his bitterness overcome him until it took over completely. There is deep heaviness inside me when I think of him for I love him. He is part of me and I lift him up daily to be set free. Another one hides behind his drink. What goes on in his mind? He is smart and knows what he is doing but he is weak. Disappointed in himself? The failure he has become. I see her pain sometimes but is she to blame? Could she have dome something? Sometimes I think he would welcome death because he knows he can't stop himself. The vast opportunities he had but screwed it up. What when wrong? What is buried so deep inside that has this hold on them? They were part of this family of love. Sure there were hard times and sad times, but there was so much love too. Lord you know and only you can help them

To the loves of my life

Today 56 years ago the doctor told my distraught dad that he might lose his wife and the baby she was carrying was definitely going to die. You see I was a placenta previa baby and in 1952 that was a major problem. But you know god had his own plans and what man cannot do god sure can. So I was born on Aug03 1952.It has been a long journey from 1952 to 2008. Alot of mistakes along the way, blessed with family and really good family times. The road was sometimes easy and straight but often it would meander and get really rough. Sometimes it was lonely on that road but I only felt like that but I was not alone. I could not see him but I knew he was there, encouraging me never to give up, to just walk one more mile.Sometimes it was dark and I could not see where I was going. He held my hand and gently encouraged me again. Through all my difficult times, when I just wanted to give up, give in to the madness that was coming for me; I saw three faces looking at me, calling me, reaching out for me. They kept me sane, they made me strong, made me never give up but press on. So I was knocked down but not defeated and I got up time and again, stronger than before.
So my darlings this is for you. Dont limit yourself, because there are none; only what you put on yourself. Never limit your view of life by any past experience. Far away up there are your aspirations. You may not reach them but you can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and follow where they may lead.Remember only as high as you reach can you grow. Only as far as you seek can you go.Only as deep as you look can you see and only as much as you dream can you be. There are many things in life that will catch your eye but very few that capture your heart. PURSE THOSE. In dreams and love there are no impossibilities. They future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of your dreams.Don't let fear stop you.
So dream and throw your heart over the fence, the rest will follow.
You are everything to me, when I thought there was no love, you showed me love. You made me believe and press on. I will always be here for you and love you. If I should go back home to the Lord, carry this legacy of love and pass it down to your children. If you think you have a bad deal in life, just look around you and see how blessed you really are. Put god first in your life and he will honour you and make all your plans succeed.
Be Blessed