I sit here feeling this pain in my heart. How many more times will this happen.? You think its all over but it is not. You swore you would not allow him to hurt you again but you did. You are such a fool! will you never learn! Why are ask myself? Every time it happens I feel like its my fault. The guilt is so heavy on me. But then he is an expert in making me feel this way.Stupid stupid me to allow it to get to me. I said I would not care. I have my life and he has his. My defence is always up but then he knows he is about to do something wrong and he is all sweet and sugary and bang! you let your defences down. When will you learn?

When you fill your heart with bitterness and hate it just eats you up.How did he get so eaten up with bitterness?
. Is he bitter at himself and his own mistakes? The darkness gnaws at him slowly eating him up on the inside. Then on the outside he looks terrible. They did nothing to him but were always there to love and support him.He took their love and support when he needed it, then shut them out again.He hates himself. All those missed opportunities, all the chances he had to be somebody. He could have made it yet but he let his bitterness overcome him until it took over completely. There is deep heaviness inside me when I think of him for I love him. He is part of me and I lift him up daily to be set free. Another one hides behind his drink. What goes on in his mind? He is smart and knows what he is doing but he is weak. Disappointed in himself? The failure he has become. I see her pain sometimes but is she to blame? Could she have dome something? Sometimes I think he would welcome death because he knows he can't stop himself. The vast opportunities he had but screwed it up. What when wrong? What is buried so deep inside that has this hold on them? They were part of this family of love. Sure there were hard times and sad times, but there was so much love too. Lord you know and only you can help them

To the loves of my life

Today 56 years ago the doctor told my distraught dad that he might lose his wife and the baby she was carrying was definitely going to die. You see I was a placenta previa baby and in 1952 that was a major problem. But you know god had his own plans and what man cannot do god sure can. So I was born on Aug03 1952.It has been a long journey from 1952 to 2008. Alot of mistakes along the way, blessed with family and really good family times. The road was sometimes easy and straight but often it would meander and get really rough. Sometimes it was lonely on that road but I only felt like that but I was not alone. I could not see him but I knew he was there, encouraging me never to give up, to just walk one more mile.Sometimes it was dark and I could not see where I was going. He held my hand and gently encouraged me again. Through all my difficult times, when I just wanted to give up, give in to the madness that was coming for me; I saw three faces looking at me, calling me, reaching out for me. They kept me sane, they made me strong, made me never give up but press on. So I was knocked down but not defeated and I got up time and again, stronger than before.
So my darlings this is for you. Dont limit yourself, because there are none; only what you put on yourself. Never limit your view of life by any past experience. Far away up there are your aspirations. You may not reach them but you can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and follow where they may lead.Remember only as high as you reach can you grow. Only as far as you seek can you go.Only as deep as you look can you see and only as much as you dream can you be. There are many things in life that will catch your eye but very few that capture your heart. PURSE THOSE. In dreams and love there are no impossibilities. They future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of your dreams.Don't let fear stop you.
So dream and throw your heart over the fence, the rest will follow.
You are everything to me, when I thought there was no love, you showed me love. You made me believe and press on. I will always be here for you and love you. If I should go back home to the Lord, carry this legacy of love and pass it down to your children. If you think you have a bad deal in life, just look around you and see how blessed you really are. Put god first in your life and he will honour you and make all your plans succeed.
Be Blessed

Its hard to grow old. You can see the signs of aging setting in and you cant stop it.No amount of creams and face lifts can slow it. Its not so bad getting old in the face and even the wrinkles I can accept but it the bad health that gets to me. My bones feel OLD. Every morning I wake up to pain in my joints, throughout the day I am in some kind of pain,sitting too long my back aches, doing housework my elbow and wrist hurt, cant bend my knees without some kind of pain and can't sleep at night because my back and neck hurts(too long in one position). But I am not giving in without a fight. I walk twice a day and I just love that. Still do all my own housework(ache or not) and in spite of this I am happy to be alive. Its the Lord who sees me through each day.His grace that gets me through the day.I AM THE RIGHTEOUS OF THE LORD THROUGH CHRIST JESUS . I claim that I am healed and made whole in Jesus Mighty Name. You have to have faith otherwise you have nothing.Life is full of ups and downs, but its Jesus who helps us through all that.I turn to him for everything.
Shannon has to make some big decisions, and I pray god give him the wisdom to make the right choices for the right reasons. Lizze seems preocupied and distant sometimes. I pray god bring her peace in her work and also help her to find a really nice place for her to stay. Jess, I know is very homesick and missing me as much as I am missing her.May the Lord bless her with good friends and let her be happy with what she is doing. Let her excel and do well.

Midlife crisis

I feel restless and not in control of my life. I want, no I need to do something productive, exciting and challenging in my life. Otherwise I will feel old. I feel so alone, like I am not needed anymore. The kids have their own lives and rightly so, but even they don't need me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Well maybe. No more of this nonsense. I still have alot of fight left in me yet and I don't give up easily. I know god has a plan and a purpose for my life. I believe that I can do anything I want to do because the Lord is with me. Right now I want to focus on praying for my children. They are the world to me and I know I need to pray for them. If I did not, I would worry about them all the time.

I am almost back to my old self. Can move around and even drive. I do feel a little dizzy sometimes but I know I am getting better everyday. I really miss the three kids and wish I could move to K.L. to live with them,all under one roof. Just like old times but sigh........ it wont happen. Its for the best too as I will try to interfere and tell them what to do and what not to do. Yeah I always think I know whats best for them. I like my life in BM too. My friends are there and I love being at home doing my own thing. Looking forward to visiting the kids soon. I want to do something but don't know what. Want to write a book, to draw a picture to be a missionary, to start a business of my own. Am praying for direction now.

My world came crashing down on the 6th May at 0530 in the morning. I had a Vertigo Attack, so bad I thought I was going to die. Ambulance rushed me to the hospital and my god I never felt so sick. Now I am suppose to take it easy, no rushing around, no travelling and no flying. Can you imagine that! Might as well cut off my legs Lord. No sorry I take that back. I have always been a doer, always feeling the need to control and run everything, including everybodys' life as well. Its a wake up call for me.Yea you are no spring chicken. So now I am slowing down and I MEAN it. I felt sad to give the family such a scare. Its made me look at life differently, and to value each moment with my loved ones.
Today Jess left home. My last baby gone to start a new life as a uni student. I could see she was excited and afraid of the unknown. I wanted to hold her and not let her go and yea of course I cried and cried(still crying........) Its hard to let go. You watch them from the time the came from your womb. Hovering over them, watching them, loving them with each day. Jess has surprised us all. I know she had a tough time in school and her early years were tough. But she survived and pushed through, refusing to give in. She is such a beautiful person both inside and out. She dared to dream and still has big dreams. We must have dreams and I told her not to allow anyone to take them away from her. I miss her already so much but I am happy for her. She need that Independence from me. She needs to have more choices and make her own decisions, right or wrong.
Thank god for Shan and Mel there and I know the bond between them is strong and they will look out for each other. I don't know what I did to deserve these 3 beautiful kids, and I thank god for them everyday.
Now its time for me and the "old Man" to spend time together. We have done our best for the kids and now its our time.
Quiet rooms and empty hallways and I will miss the "ma Ma where are you....................