What am I doing?

I seem to be so busy, rushing around everyday, with my clients and Jess and what not, but something is missing. I feel I am not doing god's plan for me. Everything I do is for me, but it does not have much meaning. Sometimes when I sit alone, I have this strange feeling inside, that there is something I must do, some place I must be or someone I must see. On the whole I am happy and contented. God,s blessing on my family is awesome. The kids are doing great and everything is good but why do I feel that its all about to change.? There is just that tinsy bit of fear creeping in and then I feel alone with all this blackness around and this eerie quiet. But inspite of everything, I konw the presence of god is so real in my life. I know I need never be afraid, because no matter what storms are brewing I always have a shelter with him.

In the times of greatest struggle, when the angry billows roll, I can always find my saviour, Christ the refuge of my soul.





When driven and tossed by life's fiercest storms,

my strength all depleted and spent,

I rest in the might of one stronger than I,

whose help in that hour is sent.

I have never done so much of housework as I have in the past week. Aunty is away and so its my turn. Its work and work and more work. I always have something that I have not quite finished. Gosh how I hate housework but I do like a really clean house. I really salute all you housewives out there, who are at it 24/7. Its just a never ending story is it?. Its washing and cleanining and just more cleaning. And just when I think at last I can sit I hear" Ma please send me for tution or I just got to go and photostat this now etc etc etc.........."Tried my hand at cooking today and I must say the chicken hotfry came out well. So did the veggie dish.But I cheated and got some curry from the shop. Well I will improve as time goes on. My husband really appreciated the effort I took to cook and he said it tasted good. But just have to rest tomorrow, fagged out. Now that I have retired, I am enjoying everyday(even if I am dog tired) and its a whole new experience for me. My life belongs to ME now, not THAI INTERNATIONAL. I am not bored, just want to keep on going. I seem to have so much more energy now. The Lord blesses me each day, with a new day and a new beginning. Its like he gives me a whole new blank page and he says...I am going to write a new day for you.

Its been some time since i wrote. Have been so busy. had a great trip to chiangmai with the girls....load of fun and laughter and then went to Bangkok to keeps Babs company while she was in hospital. Lourdes went with me and I was so glad I had him. He is a very good travelling companion. Poor Babs it was one thing after another. You can see this great tender love Kumar has for her and of course she is still crazy about him. Well I am back now and still looking for something to do. Got a few offers but full time...Dont want that definately. But I will find something. For now I am just enjoying myself.I love to wake early and go for my walk and then have breakfast with Lourdes. My days is busy busy. I feel good, real good. The kids are great but Jess of course has exam fever and is moody and what not.... Guess she thinks I am bugging her too much. Well a mums, got to do what she got do. Prehaps one day she will understand. She knows I love her. Dread the day when she leaves too.

Came back from K.L. on saturday and it was good to spend time with Shan and Mel. I enjoyed the time spent with Mel, going with her to Klang Hospital and shopping. I felt like buying her the whole world. I am happiest when I see my kids happy and I so enjoyed cleaning Mel's house. A clean and pleasant enviroment is very important in any home. It must be brigt and neat and airy. I cleaned and cleaned and my reward was to see her happy face when she walked in. I wished I could have cooked for her , a nice hot meal too. Well..... next time when my cooking skills improve. I love you so much Mel and it gave me so much pleasure just being with you. I only wish you would look after yourself. Remember your body is a temple of the holy spirit and it has to be fit in everyway.

Well my Shan, I wish I could have spent more time with you though. I wanted to have a good heart to heart talk with you about so many things. Knowing you, you would have done your best to avoid that. I know you care for me and dont want me to clean your house; but that gives me great pleasure when I can do something for you. Dont deny me that. I have great joy in my heart when I am around you kids and doing things for you guys makes me happiest. I wanted to shop for you and get you things but you refused. SIGH.......... I know you are a man and quite capable of looking after yourself but as your mom I see you as just my little boy. I felt sad to see you sick and I pray everyday that you will stop smoking. Its doing you so much harm. You are strong and I know that one day you will stop. Not a day goes by without me praying for you both. I know the Lord has his plans and purposes for both fo you.

Came back and was happy to see Jess. My lovely spoilt Jess. She goes through so much now and I know as only a mother can know, she is hurting and sad sometimes. Well sorry to say this but there will be alot more let down by friends but we have to be an overcomer. She yearns to go back to the days when she had her brother and sister and Sheena around, but we can never go back to yesterday. All we have of our yesterdays are memories. Somw we wish we could forget and others we want to remember forever. There is much she has to learn about life and I fear for her when she goes out into the big world next year. I know the Lord will watch out for her. How many times have I sat before him and poured my hear out about my kids, and he has always told me they are in the palm of his hand.

I also manage to see little Sean. He is such a beautiful baby. Always happy and smiling and is so perfectly happy and safe in his little world. His parents simply adore him and so does his grandparents. All of us love him too. He is surrounded by so much love. God bless him

Well I am finally retired.Didn't quite beleive this day would come. Well it has. So many emo and thoughts go through my mind. One minute I am excited as things seem to be looking great, but in my quite moments, an unease steals over me. Liar Liar you devil! I beleive the Lord does have a plan and purpose for my life. I have been so busy since I retired that I think I need to slow down.Can you beleive I am more busy now, always on the roads doing something, then when I was working? . I go back to my office but everytime I go, I begin to feel further and further away from the girls. Cant keep going back. Got to let go and move on. Well I am happy, just need to relax more.
I feel sorry for those you have never been loved and have no one who really cares a shit! Its so sad and I see alot of that lately. I am so blessed to have my family around me. Lourdes and the kids are everything to me and so are the IGNATIUS clan. I am indeed so blessed by the love and care. I have the greatest kids ever. I know every mom says that, but mine really are. They are not perfect but the have that great legacy their grandfather left them-to love and care always.Family is important to them.May they always look out for each other. NOTHING must be more important than FAMILY!

Thanks Lizzie girl for that. You too are a talented and exceptional daughter. I am always so proud of you . My kids learnt well the lessons of love and compassion for other people. Their father always tried to make them see, when they were kids, that we were all equal: they were not too grand to eat or drink in a poor man's home.
Well its 13 days more to RRRRRRRRRETIREMENT day and I am excited and exhilarated. I feel good that I am doing the right thing. Some people ask me, Arent you afraid.? Why should I be? The Lord has been ministering to me through Pastor Martin and I am so blessed to have him as my friend and pastor. Each day as I take communion with the Lord, I feel physcially stronger and also spiritually. God's teaching me and leading me at the same time. I am going through some some really great intimate times with the Lord. I am really quite far removed from the things of this world. Prehaps not entirely, but I do not crave the material things that I once wanted so much. Life itself has a new meaning .Its all about my LORD and nothing else. I am going to meet him on this road that I am taking, just like Paul encountered him on the road to Damascus. I want my family, each one of them to encounter him too and I know they will.