Recently I have began to feel down or rather let myself feel down and sorry for myself. Today I saw on Oprah a whole family addicted to Heroin. The Parents, and their two sons.They have lost everything, have no hope but desperately long to get out of this. Hopefully Oprah was able to help them. When we think we have so much of shit to handle, all you need to do is just think of the other person whose situation is so much worse than yours.I am so thankful to the Lord because he has blessed me so much. I have three beautiful children, who thrive to do their best and yet hold on to their values and principles. I have a beautiful home and so much people who love and care for me. Everyday when I can walk and see and hear and do things for myself, I am so blessed. So I am going to be thankful and give back the blessing I have received. I want to make a difference in peoples life today. Jesus is my answer, Jesus is my all. What would I do without you Lord? My strength has been renewed today.

Yesterday I took a friend to see her son in prison. He is being charged with kidnapping. Her older son is in another prison being charged with possession of a dangerous drug. As I went into the prison, I saw many young man there, some barely in their teens. They looked lost and frightened and my heart just went out to them. Somewhere out there a mother worries and cries silent tears for her son,locked up somewhere. My friend's son is just 19 years old, I have known him since he was five or six. His mother looked so broken and so fragile after her visit. She was with me but yet her heart and spirit was with her son, in that cell which he had to share with ten other people. I have a son and I don't know how I would be if this had happened to him. No matter if our sons become rapist or terrorist or murderers, they are still out sons, and we cannot help but still love them. The bond between a mother and her kids are so strong, its one of the toughest strings to break.
When I went home, I called my own children, just to hear their voice, assuring me that they were OK. I felt like telling them please come home and stay with me, I really do not want to let you go. That is a big horrible world out there and I need to protect you. I felt like taking a bus to K.L. just to see them, hear them call me mum.
But I can only pray for them, and I know the Lord watches over them.
To my children, I love you so much and my desire is for you to be happy. I may have failed you sometimes and I am so sorry. Be blessed my darlings

Sometimes there is a quickening in my soul and fear grips my heart. Fear for the unknown? fear of the future? fear for my children?Its only a moment, a fleeting moment and then I rise up and remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in my Lord's image. He did not give me a spirit of fear, but power and love and a sound mind. Then I am fearless, nothing that I cannot handle because he is with me. This morning as I prayed, I felt his presence around me and I felt safe and so loved. With Jesus its all about being in a relationship with him. I am in a relationship with my Lord. Sometimes I have felt so alone and then he quietly comes next to me and I know I am not alone. After 55 I have began to experience so many new emotions, new ideas,new strengths and even new weaknesses. Life everyday is a challenge and I have never felt so challenged before. Its the beginning of growing old and its all about being postive and trusting my lord for whats ahead. I know that there will be storms and peaceful days but I know I will not be alone, his strength will be my strength, his joy my joy and my fears and sadness his fears and sadness.What an awesome god we have.

I READ THIS SOMEWHERE AND ITS SO PROFOUNDLY TRUE:

I AM YOUR CONSTANT COMPANION
I AM YOUR GREATEST ASSETS OR HEAVIEST BURDEN
I WILL PUSH YOU UP TO SUCCESS
OR DOWN TO DISAPPOINTMENT
I AM AT YOUR COMMAND
HALF THE THINGS YOU DO MIGHT JUST
AS WELL BE TURNED OVER TO ME
FOR I CAN DO THEM QUICKLY
CORRECTLY AND PROFITABLY
I AM EASILY MANAGED, JUST BE FIRM WITH ME
THOSE YOU ARE GREAT, I HAVE MADE GREAT
THOSE YOU ARE FAILURES, I HAVE MADE FAILURES
I AM NOT A MACHINE, THOUGH
I WORK WITH THE PRECISION
OF A MACHINE AND
THE INTELLIGENCE OF A PERSON
YOU CAN RUN ME FOR PROFIT
OR YOU CAN RUN ME FOR RUIN
SHOW ME HOW YOU WANT IT DONE
EDUCATE ME, TRAIN ME, LEAD ME, REWARD ME
AND I WILL THEN DO IT AUTOMATICALLY
I AM YOUR SERVANT
WHO AM I?
I AM HABIT

My day are eerie calm. On the surface things seem ok but there is that underlying feeling of fear and dreaded anticipation. I feel I must prepare, get strength and get ready. For what? I really do not know. I fear for you. You must want to die so badly. You chase after death. You do everything you can to make it happen. Sometimes I am helpless and do not know what I can do for you. I hope I will be strong enough. You have a darkness deep deep inside your soul. Its beginning to show now.

Its fourteen days into the new year. I feel a sense of peace all around me. Even when I am feeling sad that peace just takes over. I am as happy as I want to be. Like everything else in our lives happiness is a choice. I have learned never to expect too much from anyone. Take only what they want to give. When you do not put expectations on someone than they cannot disappoint you. I have learn to give without expecting anything in return. There is so much to learn about ourselves and everyday I find something in me that I never knew I had. An inner strength, an emotion I thought I was not capable of feeling, a hidden depth that I had buried so deep inside. I find life now is a journey for me, a road to discovery. Its like there is a whole new me that I did not know. As I go on this journey, I know he walks with me. I have heard him speak to me quietly when I came to the crossroads and did not know which road to take. I went to visit a sick relative recently who was in a coma, and when I saw her lying there, I said to him "please do not ever let this happen to me. But he said to me "why not you" Can it happen to someone else as long as its not me? Well whichever way I trust you Lord and let your will be done not mine. He will love me and take care of me the way he sees best for me and I TRUST HIM.

The dawn of a new year! a new beginning. This year I made no resolutions. I never kept any I made the previous year anyway . This year I asked the Lord to take me to the next level of intimacy with him. I really want to know this GOD I love and serve. I want to hear him as he walks by me, feeling the swishing of his robes as he passes. Feel his awesome presence when I come into his throne room to spend time with him. I also want to know the Holy Spirit more intimately. Hear him whisper to me when I am struggling to make choices. Prompting me when I am unsure and comforting me when I have made the wrong choice as I will do invariably.
I went to GROW service on 31st and it was awesome. Pastor anointed us and prayed for each individually. I felt so at peace. Before this I was worried about so many things but during the service, I felt all my burdens just lifted up. My sadness just fell away. I have so much to be thankful for. Had a great family Christmas with the kids and I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I was struggling with certain issues but you know just being with them made all things hopeful and good. Made me want to go on enjoying my life, living my life each day to the best of my ability.
You hurt me more than you will ever know. You stamped all over my heart and that was not enough, in the end you ripped it out. 30 years of what? 30 years too late. Well I kept every promise I made and I will always be there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but don't ask more than that. I have nothing else to give you. I am at peace. You did not give me that peace, but my father saw my heartaches and tears and he showed me his love, and that brought peace.
He is an awesome GOD