My day are eerie calm. On the surface things seem ok but there is that underlying feeling of fear and dreaded anticipation. I feel I must prepare, get strength and get ready. For what? I really do not know. I fear for you. You must want to die so badly. You chase after death. You do everything you can to make it happen. Sometimes I am helpless and do not know what I can do for you. I hope I will be strong enough. You have a darkness deep deep inside your soul. Its beginning to show now.

Its fourteen days into the new year. I feel a sense of peace all around me. Even when I am feeling sad that peace just takes over. I am as happy as I want to be. Like everything else in our lives happiness is a choice. I have learned never to expect too much from anyone. Take only what they want to give. When you do not put expectations on someone than they cannot disappoint you. I have learn to give without expecting anything in return. There is so much to learn about ourselves and everyday I find something in me that I never knew I had. An inner strength, an emotion I thought I was not capable of feeling, a hidden depth that I had buried so deep inside. I find life now is a journey for me, a road to discovery. Its like there is a whole new me that I did not know. As I go on this journey, I know he walks with me. I have heard him speak to me quietly when I came to the crossroads and did not know which road to take. I went to visit a sick relative recently who was in a coma, and when I saw her lying there, I said to him "please do not ever let this happen to me. But he said to me "why not you" Can it happen to someone else as long as its not me? Well whichever way I trust you Lord and let your will be done not mine. He will love me and take care of me the way he sees best for me and I TRUST HIM.

The dawn of a new year! a new beginning. This year I made no resolutions. I never kept any I made the previous year anyway . This year I asked the Lord to take me to the next level of intimacy with him. I really want to know this GOD I love and serve. I want to hear him as he walks by me, feeling the swishing of his robes as he passes. Feel his awesome presence when I come into his throne room to spend time with him. I also want to know the Holy Spirit more intimately. Hear him whisper to me when I am struggling to make choices. Prompting me when I am unsure and comforting me when I have made the wrong choice as I will do invariably.
I went to GROW service on 31st and it was awesome. Pastor anointed us and prayed for each individually. I felt so at peace. Before this I was worried about so many things but during the service, I felt all my burdens just lifted up. My sadness just fell away. I have so much to be thankful for. Had a great family Christmas with the kids and I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I was struggling with certain issues but you know just being with them made all things hopeful and good. Made me want to go on enjoying my life, living my life each day to the best of my ability.
You hurt me more than you will ever know. You stamped all over my heart and that was not enough, in the end you ripped it out. 30 years of what? 30 years too late. Well I kept every promise I made and I will always be there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but don't ask more than that. I have nothing else to give you. I am at peace. You did not give me that peace, but my father saw my heartaches and tears and he showed me his love, and that brought peace.
He is an awesome GOD

Have you ever found yourself in a crowded room and yet felt all alone?You are so far removed from your surroundings and then you go to that deep deep place in your heart where only you can go. You feel safe here cause no one else can come. Its quiet around you, in that secret place, and there you think of why you had to come here. A promise of love gone, an intimacy broken, shattered dreams and you try to make sense of it all. You want to give up and never leave this place, but you know you cannot give in. You must go back for there is still unfinished business you have to take care of: three important reasons why you must move on and live. So live while you can and love while you can. One love is gone but three more await you, needing all the love you can give. They are your reason to live and love now. Don't let that go.

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances.The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, they make them.
Conversely, the person who has no goals, who does not know where he is going and whose thoughts must therefore be thoughts of confusion, anxiety and worry, his life become frustrated. If he thinks he is nothing-he becomes nothing.
THE HUMAN MIND DOES NOT CARE WHAT WE PLANT.....SUCCESS OR FAILURE.....A CONCRETE WORTHWHILE GOAL...OR CONFUSION, MISUNDERSTANDING OR FEAR,ANXIETY AND SO ON. BUT WHAT WE PLANT, IT MUST RETURN TO US. WHAT YOU SOW IS WHAT YOU REAP.
I read this in a website called SIMPLE TRUTHS. How very true and profound this words are. Even in times like this, when so much suffering , pain and terror is going on, when the whole world seems like its falling apart, when nothing seems to make sense anymore, we never give up believing in ourselves and our ability to survive and strive to do so much more. We never give in to hate and worry but we turn to LOVE instead. Love sees us through all our pain, our fears.
It was so sad what happened in Mumbai. Where young men with so much to live for, could coldheartedly murder innocent people who never did anything to them. But as the Jewish Rabbi said on CNN, we fight this with love not hate.

THANKSGIVING

Give thanks for family and friends. For life's gifts and simple pleasures. Give thanks for this years' challengers and opportunities. Give thanks for all the stuff relationships are made of.
For this years' harvest and bounty. We give thanks for the love we've shared, the love that we hope to share.Be steadfast in love and acceptance.Only the low emotions you hold on to, keep you from reaping your harvest of success, happiness, abundance and joy.
Praise and thanksgiving opens the gates for bounty. As you manage fear and choose love, the shelter of the spirit sweet, sweet embrace will enfold your love ones, providing protection and provisions on life's journey. See only that good manifest for those you love.
GIVING THANKS RESTORES,
REBUILDS,
RENEWS,
So that we may go forward to do even greater things still. Move mountains, make peace.
May there be peace within your families and the whole world. We pray from PSLAM122 that there maybe peace within our walls and prosperity within our palaces.

I read this on a website called MAKEA DIFFERENCE. Do check this website out.

In the race to be better and best,
we sometimes loose sight of just being;
The best portion of a good man's life,
his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
May it be said
when the sun sets on my life,
many of my dreams came true
and I made a difference in the lives of others.

These words stuck in my mind. Even at this time of my life I am learning. I have started over again and have tried to put the past behind me. Don't want to look back anymore but ahead. Ahead may not be all I want it to be but you have to settle for what you can get. No one can make you happy but you yourself. Don't give some else the power to make you sad or happy, that power belongs to you and you alone. When you come to my age, just waking up to a new day, opening your eyes to all that is dear and familiar and able to take that first step out of bed makes the day ahead full of promise. Things can change during the day but we gain strength in the morning when we seek the Lord and we then know whatever the day brings he walks with us throughout the day.