Midlife crisis

I feel restless and not in control of my life. I want, no I need to do something productive, exciting and challenging in my life. Otherwise I will feel old. I feel so alone, like I am not needed anymore. The kids have their own lives and rightly so, but even they don't need me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Well maybe. No more of this nonsense. I still have alot of fight left in me yet and I don't give up easily. I know god has a plan and a purpose for my life. I believe that I can do anything I want to do because the Lord is with me. Right now I want to focus on praying for my children. They are the world to me and I know I need to pray for them. If I did not, I would worry about them all the time.

I am almost back to my old self. Can move around and even drive. I do feel a little dizzy sometimes but I know I am getting better everyday. I really miss the three kids and wish I could move to K.L. to live with them,all under one roof. Just like old times but sigh........ it wont happen. Its for the best too as I will try to interfere and tell them what to do and what not to do. Yeah I always think I know whats best for them. I like my life in BM too. My friends are there and I love being at home doing my own thing. Looking forward to visiting the kids soon. I want to do something but don't know what. Want to write a book, to draw a picture to be a missionary, to start a business of my own. Am praying for direction now.

My world came crashing down on the 6th May at 0530 in the morning. I had a Vertigo Attack, so bad I thought I was going to die. Ambulance rushed me to the hospital and my god I never felt so sick. Now I am suppose to take it easy, no rushing around, no travelling and no flying. Can you imagine that! Might as well cut off my legs Lord. No sorry I take that back. I have always been a doer, always feeling the need to control and run everything, including everybodys' life as well. Its a wake up call for me.Yea you are no spring chicken. So now I am slowing down and I MEAN it. I felt sad to give the family such a scare. Its made me look at life differently, and to value each moment with my loved ones.
Today Jess left home. My last baby gone to start a new life as a uni student. I could see she was excited and afraid of the unknown. I wanted to hold her and not let her go and yea of course I cried and cried(still crying........) Its hard to let go. You watch them from the time the came from your womb. Hovering over them, watching them, loving them with each day. Jess has surprised us all. I know she had a tough time in school and her early years were tough. But she survived and pushed through, refusing to give in. She is such a beautiful person both inside and out. She dared to dream and still has big dreams. We must have dreams and I told her not to allow anyone to take them away from her. I miss her already so much but I am happy for her. She need that Independence from me. She needs to have more choices and make her own decisions, right or wrong.
Thank god for Shan and Mel there and I know the bond between them is strong and they will look out for each other. I don't know what I did to deserve these 3 beautiful kids, and I thank god for them everyday.
Now its time for me and the "old Man" to spend time together. We have done our best for the kids and now its our time.
Quiet rooms and empty hallways and I will miss the "ma Ma where are you....................

What am I doing?

I seem to be so busy, rushing around everyday, with my clients and Jess and what not, but something is missing. I feel I am not doing god's plan for me. Everything I do is for me, but it does not have much meaning. Sometimes when I sit alone, I have this strange feeling inside, that there is something I must do, some place I must be or someone I must see. On the whole I am happy and contented. God,s blessing on my family is awesome. The kids are doing great and everything is good but why do I feel that its all about to change.? There is just that tinsy bit of fear creeping in and then I feel alone with all this blackness around and this eerie quiet. But inspite of everything, I konw the presence of god is so real in my life. I know I need never be afraid, because no matter what storms are brewing I always have a shelter with him.

In the times of greatest struggle, when the angry billows roll, I can always find my saviour, Christ the refuge of my soul.





When driven and tossed by life's fiercest storms,

my strength all depleted and spent,

I rest in the might of one stronger than I,

whose help in that hour is sent.

I have never done so much of housework as I have in the past week. Aunty is away and so its my turn. Its work and work and more work. I always have something that I have not quite finished. Gosh how I hate housework but I do like a really clean house. I really salute all you housewives out there, who are at it 24/7. Its just a never ending story is it?. Its washing and cleanining and just more cleaning. And just when I think at last I can sit I hear" Ma please send me for tution or I just got to go and photostat this now etc etc etc.........."Tried my hand at cooking today and I must say the chicken hotfry came out well. So did the veggie dish.But I cheated and got some curry from the shop. Well I will improve as time goes on. My husband really appreciated the effort I took to cook and he said it tasted good. But just have to rest tomorrow, fagged out. Now that I have retired, I am enjoying everyday(even if I am dog tired) and its a whole new experience for me. My life belongs to ME now, not THAI INTERNATIONAL. I am not bored, just want to keep on going. I seem to have so much more energy now. The Lord blesses me each day, with a new day and a new beginning. Its like he gives me a whole new blank page and he says...I am going to write a new day for you.

Its been some time since i wrote. Have been so busy. had a great trip to chiangmai with the girls....load of fun and laughter and then went to Bangkok to keeps Babs company while she was in hospital. Lourdes went with me and I was so glad I had him. He is a very good travelling companion. Poor Babs it was one thing after another. You can see this great tender love Kumar has for her and of course she is still crazy about him. Well I am back now and still looking for something to do. Got a few offers but full time...Dont want that definately. But I will find something. For now I am just enjoying myself.I love to wake early and go for my walk and then have breakfast with Lourdes. My days is busy busy. I feel good, real good. The kids are great but Jess of course has exam fever and is moody and what not.... Guess she thinks I am bugging her too much. Well a mums, got to do what she got do. Prehaps one day she will understand. She knows I love her. Dread the day when she leaves too.