This little guy will soon be 3 in a couple of months. Every time I hold him close to me my heart feels like exploding with love. That smile that lights up my world, the way he calls me 'nana', as he lies in my lap with his eyes staring at me as I put him to sleep, little things that I will treasure all the days I am in this world. I have a new meaning and purpose in my life now. A new spring in my step when I reach his house and I can hear "Nana came Nana came" So much I want to impart to him, so much to tell him. I look at him and I see my son in him, I see my dad in him the way he loves music and is always dancing. I am the truly blessed to be his grandmother. He is a part of me and I hope I will be blessed to see him grow into a fine young man God has destined him to be.

Laziness and procrastination are my two worst enemies. Or perhaps I am just getting old. Sometimes when I sit back and think of my life for the last 5 years, Psalm 92:12-15 is a constant reminder of God's faithfulness and love in my life.

I am doing things that I never imagined myself doing. New technology that I found baffling and unable to do before are easy for me now, though of course I still need help from the younger generation. When God calls you and when you obey He will see you through all the rough patches and give you understanding. As I walk this journey serving him in ministry He allows me to see and experience life as I never have before. I feel alive when I am serving Him.

There are 2 things that I am praying desperately for. I know God has heard me and even though I cannot see it happening yet I believe He has started His work already and will bring it to pass in His time. I will probably never fully understand His ways but I trust Him and know He will make a way when there seems to be no way. Thank you Lord!

There are days when I am on top of the world, Where there is nothing I cannot conquer, anything I cannot overcome. Then I wake up one morning and I feel way down in the ravine, struggling to get up, to claw my way up again. Sometimes I wish I can just close my eyes and just go home to my Fathers house.   There is no pain only peace and comfort in my Father's house. I chide myself that I am being so selfish because I know I am so blest to have the love of my children and the love of my life, my grandson. He is the reason I wake up every morning. He is the reason I count the days till the week-end. When I walk through the door and stretch our my arms, he come running-Nana nana came he shouts gleefully. I am just hit with this strong emotion that overwhelms me and yet bring me so much of joy. In that moment I feel alive, so very much alive. I love my children, God how I love them and I would give my life for them but my love for this little fellow just sweeps me off my feet.

You on the other  hand drift further and further away. I look back to the time I first met you could I ever envision this for my life? I can honestly say now I do not know this stranger that lives in my house and that I once loved. Well I have resigned myself to the inevitable but there is always that small glimmer of hope. Foolish? definitely foolish foolish hope but still a small tiny thread of hope. Why do I hope? I hope because I serve a God of hope where absolutely nothing is impossible. He gives me that hope. There are times when I hear that small still voice in my heart telling me do not let go. But I am so so tired and I honestly do not think I can hold on much longer.

Well its another day tomorrow.............................................

Elijah is now four months old and for the past four months almost every weekend is spent with him. I am really enjoying being his grandmother. He is such a beautiful baby, always happy and ready to laugh and smile. He is my reason to feel joy when I wake up every morning and count the days to the weekend. In the early hours of the morning is my "quiet" time with him. I give him his first feed for the day  and throughout all this he quietly watches me through sleepy eyes. I call his name and he gives me that half smile "Grandma  I am still sleepy" After  I change his diaper he comes more awake and decides he wants to have a conversation  with Grandma at 6.00am. I hold him in my arms, cuddling him close to me. I feel his warm little body close to me and pure love and joy just flows through me. I have only known him for four months and I would gladly give my life for him. He has completely changed my life. I rock him gently until he falls asleep again and reluctantly lay him down on his cot. I linger a bit longer looking down at him. My little Angel and I look forward to more quiet time with him when he awakes later.

Elijah is now two months old. He is simply more adorable and how my love has grown for him. If I do not see him for a few days, I long for him and must stop by, even it is just to catch a glimpse of the sweet face.
He is the beautiful part of my existence. The part that is pure and good. Whenever I am upset or angry or there is ugliness, I close my eyes and think of Elijah. I feel him in my arms, that soft trusting body cuddled up to me, so trusting, knowing Granny loves to cuddle  him.
I see him in his mother's arms, and know she was just born to be a mother. She knows his different cries and knows how to calm and sooth him. He hears her voice and turns to find her. Its just simply awesome to see a mother with her baby. Something so precious, a moment to keep in your heart forever.
Daddy feeds him late at night and he is half asleep but his eyes flutter open and looks up into the strong bearded face and knows, that my dad. He wont allow anything bad to happen to me and I am totally safe in these arms.He looks into his dad's eyes and sees and feel his dad's love.

This little baby can change and touch so many lives. What an awesome God we have that made this miracle possible and every child is definitely a gift from God and an awesome creation.

Elijah

At 11.22pm on the 10th November 2012, my whole world changed instantly with the arrival of my little Elijah, my first grandchild. Just looking into that pure and beautiful face, I felt something just shoot through me.I saw him open his eyes and look at me. I know babies cannot see for the first few days but I just felt him look right into my heart. Love just flowed out. I have just seen you for just a few moments and how I love you  my darling. I will always be here to love you, pray for you and protect you. You have a wonderful father and mother.The minute you were conceived they loved you and you will always be blessed to have such wonderful parents.God has only good plans for you and I know you will always be special. No words can express how I feel for you, my little Elijah

t is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of GOD's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.

GOD opens this flower so sweetly,

• hen in my hands they fade and die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of GOD's design,
Then how can I think I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?
So I'll trust in Him for His leading
Each moment of every day.
I will look to Him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.
The pathway that lies before me,
Only my heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

Cannot remember where I saw this but I did not write this. Its beautfiul

A new wave

My daughter said to me that she always felt sad reading my blog and so I took the time to read it all again. Did I really write all that? Whoever wrote that was a woman caught up in her hurt and pain and did not want to let go. But that's not me now, I cried out. I have changed. I am happy now then I have ever been in a long long while. So there is a new wave coming now. I do not want to just surround myself with my pain and hurt and wallow in it but I want to reach out to others who are hurting and be a comfort for them. All those of you who are hurting and feel there is no hope and your pain will not go away, let me tell you it will. There is someone who loves you in a way you never imagined. Through his love, each day your pain and hurt will fade. I have experienced this 'love' and I never in my life imagined someone could love me so much. I want to share this love with you, if you will let me. Be blessed today

I have never been this confused and scared and so alone. Its like even God has left me. I have never felt so alone too. Why do I let you do this to me, time and again. You have hurt me more than any human being and you were the one who stood before God and made a vow with Abba to love and protect me.You were suppose to be there for me. Right now I feel so crushed, so drained and tired out. I feel as if a trailer just rolled over me. But deep within me there is a strength I can draw from and I will pick myself and go on because I must. I know I have so much to live for, God's not finished with me yet and He has not given up on me so I won't give up on myself either. 

Right from the time I was a little girl I had this notion of a wonderful guy sweeping me off my feet and we living happily everafter. I never bothered if he had a fancy car or lots of money to spend. I was just as happy on an old Honda 50. I yearned to be loved for myself, to have someone to talk too at the end of the day. To have someone hold me and say "Don't worry I am here, I will never allow anything to harm you" Someone who would respect me and share his life with me, no holding back. Then now when I think back and see I never had that, I think maybe it was not meant for me. But when I see those three pairs of eyes looking at me, eyes of love, I know I am truly blessed.Their love has sustained me and carried me through the bad times and the sad times. It should have been your love, but it was theirs. They have made me so happy and just thinking of them all the pain goes away and I am so enveloped in Love. So I can honetly I am truly blessed.

Once again the evil in you has surfaced. You came back because you needed us not because you loved us. I begin to see an evil in you that I tried to convince myself was not there. You have so much going for you. Why! why! why! How can a person hurt someone he loves.? I ask myself that all the time. You were not all that bad or were you? I begin to think back and see and the signs were there but I pretended not to see. Now you are old, what will become of you? Yea everyone says its your choice but I cannot help feeling sad as to what will become of you. I have not been perfect and have had many failings but I have always stood by you and been there for you in your bad times, sick times. Have you? You have constantly abused me mentally and though physically, its just as bad. Now I let you go.....................

It was a beautiful wedding. You could sense the presence of God there throughout the wedding. It was a simple yet moving and beautiful wedding. I felt God smiling down on them. When I looked at them I remember my own wedding. What hopes and dreams I had. Well alot of mistakes where made along the way and too many compromises were made. Thank God my children are different. Honesty and oneness is a must and I see that in this beautiful couple. Most important they have put God into their marriage. It must be Him all the way. No comprise where He is concerned. I know God will be with them, guiding,nurturing and blessing them.

She is always angry and her eyes spew out sparks of anger when she talks to me. I look at her and silently weep inside. She does not trust me: well I did let her down so I do not blame her. What happened to my sweet little curly tops? Now adays she always filled with anger and impatience. I look at her and just hope she sees the love I have for her. I want to put my arms around her and hold her close but she would fight it. I can only keep repeating " I love you and I am here for you. I will always be here for you" I see she is in emotional pain and hurting. What I would not do for her, if only she will let me. Now she must come to me if she need help. I can only step back and watch her. I am doing the best thing I can for her- let her go, to make her own decisions, her own failures and her own successes. But I will never give up on her and I pray for her, calling on the Lord often in my day when I have a quiet moment. Holy Spirit 'Hover" over her. Be her friend and counsellor now. Jesus touch the very core of her hurting heart with your love and let her feel your presence in her life. Bring the joy of living with you, Jesus back into her life. I know His love for her has never changed and He holds her in the palm of his hand. She is the apple of his eye and He has her under the shadow of His wings.

MY LIZZIE'S GETTING MARRIED

Its 16 days more and my Lizzie girl is flying from my nest. Longed for this day to see her married to the man she loves, who will love her and look after her and with whom she will start a family, but at the same time I wish I had more time to keep her "under my wings". Its the painful part of being a mum; when you have to "let go". I wonder will she be alright. She works so hard at her job, can she come back and mange the housework? The cleaning and keeping house, can she manage all that? Of course she can! She has always been a capable young woman, I have loved dong the little things for her and to hear her say so sweetly " thank you mommy". I will certainly miss her hugs( she loves to hug) and her funny jokes and giggles.The last year, living with my two girls has been the best year for me. Oh sure there were quarrels and screams, but we pulled through and love was all around. Lizzie is the quiet one, talks quietly, walks quietly and behaves quietly. But a beautiful person, so warm and loving. Thank God she is still nearby but I will still miss her..........

A New Year's Benediction
May the coming year be one of increased riches of grace—hearing His voice more clearly, knowing His heart more deeply, resting in His love more fully, trusting His care more completely, walking His pathway more peacefully, knowing His presence more intimately, blessed by His goodness more abundantly.
And in all things, may you know the shalom peace of God—encouraging you to move forward, empowering you to boldly take each step, greeting you as you turn a new corner, calming your heartbeat as you walk through dark valleys, softening each footstep as you climb rugged mountains, and increasing your courage as you follow your Shepherd wherever He leads.
You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. The grasslands of the wilderness become a lush pasture, and the hillsides blossom with joy. Psalm 65:11-12 NLT
Devotional writing by Roy Lessin, from his blog: Meet Me In The Meadow.

When I was young, sometimes I got impatient with my mum and would answer her back. She would look at me sadly and say "wait till you become a mum" Little did I know what she really meant. I certainly do now. We love our children so much, we want the best for them. Even willingly give our lives for them. This makes me understand God's love for us. His love is so much way more than I can ever feel for my children but it does give you some idea. No matter what our children do, we will love them. The drug addict on the street, the prostitute at the corner and even the man on death row waiting for his sentence has a mother out there. She cries for him or her, prays and does everything in her power to help them. Even though our children do not appreciate the many sacrifices we made so willingly, do not see our pain when they hurt us with their harsh words and defiant ways, we still love them. Our arms constantly remain open, waiting to draw them close to us. That is a picture I see of Jesus on the cross, his arms wide open, in pain, waiting to draw us in.
Young people today have such a big struggle; to stand apart and upkeep the morals and values you have been taught or fall in with crowd and "be" one of them. Its a real struggle for them and parents you got to keep praying for them and never give up. You have to intercede for them. In the last days the Devourer searches for what he can kill and destroy and he starts with the family and our children. Don't let him. Fight that battle for your children. The victory is ours.

I see the road you choose and my heart breaks for you. I which I could take away all your pain, your sadness. I feel you hurt inside. So many times I which I could just gather you in my arms and never let you go. Sometimes I see your anger at me. Yes I failed you. I know that. I hope that one day you can forgive me. I have surrendered you to your heavenly Father and I know that is the best place you can be, under the shadow of his wings.

The Lord bless and keep you and he has always kept you.

The Lord smiles upon you and he has gifted you.

The Lord has surrounded you with his favor and given you his Shalom.

Shalom means completeness in your spirit, mind and body!

And he has place his name upon you. The name of Jesus!

At the name of Jesus every knee must bow and every tongue must confess to that name

And that Name he has place upon you.

You wil walk in the authority and Favor of God!

In the Name of Yeshua, in Jesus Name!

"Joy to the World" is blasting from my radio and its Christmas time creeping in again. I look back on the last 9 months and I thank God because if not for him I would not have come this far. I know now that I need to keep looking ahead not back. I wish I could turn back the clock and rectify all the mistakes we made but there is no going back on the road. Its a time for moving ahead, a time for forgiving and enjoy the good that we see. I am at peace at last. I can put away my sadness now. But that does not mean I give up hoping. When there is a God who loves us, there is always hope. I am so blessed in what I have. I m richly blessed, highly favored and deeply loved . There is so much more for me ahead and I anticipate each day with eagerness. I am for signs and wonders!

Thank you Lord!